Is the 'I Love You' Game or The 'I Trade You' Game Operating In Your Marriage?

Whether you realise it or not, often when attraction between two people begins, there is a secret checklist which is operating against which we assess whether that person will match up to our expectations of what we want in a relationship. Given that our role model of love directs us to seek love from outside of ourselves – we have been taught by our parents, and their parents before them, to seek fulfilment through another. Therefore, we tick as many of the boxes as we can before we give our love to someone. The conversation in our head is asking – Will this person give me what I need?; Will this person love me the way I want to be loved?; Will this person fit with my family and friends?; Will this person hurt me?; How do I know if I really love this person?, etc. All this is done in order to assess the risk involved with allowing yourself to love this person.

While aspects of risk assessment may be appropriate, the problem with this role model of assessing a potential partner, is that we are not really aware that this is what we are doing. In addition, the other person does not realise what they have to measure up to. And of course, it is working both ways. They have a checklist too! Without realising it, the giving of our love has its foundation in the expectation of something in return. Of course, none of this is communicated, and so dishonesty is embedded in that foundation as well.

So, the ‘I Love You’ game becomes by the ‘I Trade You’ game. We use our love as bargaining tool. I will love you if....... you behave a certain way, or, if you do certain things for me, or, if you give me the attention I want, or, if you change in the way I want you to change, or, if you love me enough...... then I will love you, and so on.

Given that this is how we have been taught, it comes as no surprise that we perpetuate this ‘I Trade You’ model of love. For most of us, this is how we learned to get love as children. If I play the ‘good’ kid, I will get attention. If I play the ‘bad’ kid, I will get attention. If I play the ‘dumb’ kid, I will get attention. There is always a trade happening. When I have witnessed these roles being played by children, and I have reflected back to them the game I see them playing – in every case, they have agreed that they are aware of what they are doing. Kids are so astute in that way. They will do whatever it takes to get their parents’ love. If one technique doesn’t work, then they will try another.

Sadly, by the time we mature, we are not so aware of the games we play. They have become second-nature and largely unconscious. And we unwittingly take this skill into adult relationships, but by that time, we are in denial that we are playing such games. Our view of ourselves (self image) was set when we were kids, and we live our lives trying to hide what we really believe about ourselves.

In that sense, our conditioning is driving us – it is doing us! It’s working on automatic. All our beliefs about ourselves and the world are stored in our conditioning, 90% of which become unconscious. These beliefs are programs which are running constantly seeking out evidence that they are true, without us even realising it.

As we progress into longer term marriages and relationships, our checklist gets longer and longer, right down to the little things that bother us – they now also become the bigger negatives about our spouse. Often, we blame our spouse for our own unhappiness – they have not lived up to the promise of love that marriage is supposed to deliver. Both people get lost – and move into protecting against being hurt, spiralling further into unhappiness and not knowing what to do about it, or how to fix it. That place can feel really hopeless and desolate.

While this is not true for all relationships, statistics prove there are increasing numbers of dysfunctional marriages and relationships which fall into disrepair. For some, the final breakdown is a step of last resort, for, if given the opportunity and ability to change the dynamics, they would do so. Deep down, they are aware that love still exists in the relationship, but somehow, the downward spiral feels out of their control.

Trying to figure out why your marriage has deteriorated can be a very frustrating exercise, as the answers you get can only come from what you already think you know about how relationships are supposed to be. Can you see how circular such figuring can become? Can you therefore understand why you end up feeling so challenged and frustrated?

The good news is that there is a YOU that does have the answers as to why the dynamics in your relationship show up. It requires learning how to step outside of what you think you already know in order to access the wisdom that is available to all of us – if only we were taught how. Those teachings are available and it’s not difficult. Where we look for complexity, actually the insights and techniques you need to know in order to fix your marriage are unbelievably simple. Taking this approach does not involve more ‘advice’ about how you should be, or what you should do to try to fix your marriage. This approach empowers you to deliberately create sustainable change that is relevant to you and your partner, and is the pathway to re-establishing happiness and love in your relationship. -Margaret Gopal